Yes this is one of those I hate life posts. where everything seems to be falling apart because of wrong words and wrong attitudes and mistakes made and the feeling that I've done something wrong but forgiveness is far from reach. Yes this is one of those posts where I complain and feel bad about myself for all the things that I've done wrong and yet have no way of making things right only because I can't. Yes this is a post where I'm angry and I'm sad and I'm just confused about what I am suppose to do.
Do I have a hard time trusting people....yes I do and why, its more of just a personal issue and bad experiences. Can I say that I'm surrounding by loving people 24/7 no I cannot say that because I do not truly believe that I do and unfortunately the truth is that I don't. Do I go around telling others of my problems....no most of the time I keep them to myself and I guess that is a reason for my loneliness but I suppose that is okay since I don't fully trust everyone around me except a few that I deem to be my friends. Sometimes I really hate myself and the things that I do but growing people have taught me to act a certain way and sometimes that has worked against me...though I wish it didn't.
I really don't know what I'm doing anymore....

Wee!!! I love winterbreak.

It's been one of the best since probably elementary school. I haven't really finished my homework yet but at the same time I'm not so much worried about it. It's been good spending time with friends and family and forming good memories. So since my last post, many things have happened. I think I ended last time with the Lee Hom concert and since then I have been addicted to his music. He really is talented and I watched Lust, Caution.....boy was that a movie that has extremely umm yeah lets not say anymore about it but I should've waited a few more years to watch it. The plot was good though, Ang Lee is such a good director. So hmm...I guess I could start with Christmas Day. I didn't do much since my dad had to work so I woke up around 10 then opened presents, didn't have many of them so it was more of asking me sisters what they got for Christmas. Then I watched TV and walked around the house till it was time to go to Seth's church for a Christmas Service. It was fun, their church was small but the people were really nice and they even gave me a ride home. Saw some of my middle school friends that I haven't seen in a long time and it was great knowing that now they know Christ too and we're all able to celebrate his birthday together. So yeah that was my Christmas.

Then yesterday I tried to do some homework but that was no success at all. I woke up really late then I attempted to do some homework and listened to a lot of LeeHom and then I spent some time watching TV and before I knew it, it was nightime...or at least it was getting dark. So yeah it was kind of a waste of a day but still it was relaxing.

Then today, I woke up extremely late and made lunch for mom and and my sister since Diane went out. Then we went into Chinatown to do some grocery shopping and pick up some other stuff. Then came home and tried to do some homework which was better than the other two days I've attempted it. Then today I watched Lust, Caution. Afterwards I decided to write all this stuff down before starting up on homework again. So I guess now that I'm done I will do some more homework.

Hope everyone had a great Christmas!!

So today was pretty exciting, with many things going on. First I went to church for a special combined Christmas service and did body worship which is always fun and uplifting. But before all that we had a gift exchange and breakfast on the fourth floor of church and that was pretty fun I got a magnetix game. Then I went to celebrate some birthdays at the children's birthday party. Afterwards I went home and rested a little before meeting up with Marissa for the Lee Hom Concert.
The Concert was pretty fun and he is soooooo incredibly talented.

So that was pretty much a summary of what happened and then during my late late dinner with Marissa we had a talk about how I was feeling because to be honest I guess I was feeling a bit down with everything that's been happening lately. Everyone is falling in love and I'm not being pressured to have a boyfriend but I guess I really want one because there is someone, its just I can't at the same time because at the moment it's all very one sided since I don't know what he feels. I don't know sometimes I feel really stupid for keep going back and forth. I know I'm not 13 anymore and I should really be more mature about situations like this but I'm not and all I can do is just pray about it and pray that I will allow God to lead me wherever he places me so that I wouldn't have to worry so much.

So lets recap what's been going on recently. So yesterday was Amy's birthday and she had a party with some friends over so I helped out with preparations and clean up and etc. It was fun, I've forgotten about being young. Anyways afterwards I went with Diane to the library to do some homework and discuss student government stuff, boy do I miss being apart of that but it's okay. More time devoted to other things I guess. Then there was this word game thing that I played with Amy till wee hours of the morning in my room. It was really intriguing and fun. So yeah that was pretty much my day yesterday.
Then today I went to church to help out with SnowFest. It was really fun and reminded me of my work at the arcade except I didn't have to deal with prizes it was more of just interacting with the kids with they came in and when they left. It was all good, kids are just too too cute. Happy Birthday Jennifer by the way!!!
Then I had to go home because mom had to work and I had some more housework to do unfortunately. After all that I did some outlining for Psych and then baked a huge batch of cookies for tomorrow. After that I cleaned me room and now here I am typing up all this stuff. Hmm I am a little tired and have to wake up early tomorrow so I guess I'm done with this for now.

update on my winter break schedule:
12/23 Christmas Sunday, Lee Hom Concert @ Night
12/24 Maybe outlet shopping (mom wants to go)
12/25 Christmas!!!
12/26 ? Homework
12/27 ? homework
12/28 ? " "
12/29 ? " "
12/30 ? " "
12/31 ? I don't know

So today was pretty fun. First I went ice skating with my friends at the Embarcadero ice skating rink and then to Boudins to eat dinner. We took many pictures along the way and I got to talk to them about some deep stuff. It was pretty fun and relaxing I guess. I haven't stayed out so late in a while and I probably won't do it again till I finish some homework.

Hmm so I've been thinking lately, maybe I should've applied to Columbia. I regret not even trying...and I really want to go. I guess maybe it's not part of God's plan for me to go.

Anyways time to reflect. If I start just rambling, I'm sorry this is just how I blog. So facebook is my new addiction although I'm trying not to always check it. It's kind of hard with all the updates that they send me via email. So I was just thinking a lot today and yesterday since it was raining....been listening to that song by Rihanna, you know the one that goes " I hate that I love you..." yes that one. I really do, it really annoy me how much time I've devoted to thinking about you and pondering about whether or not I should give it a try. There's just so many sides to the situation and most of the time I don't even think of the negative things that could happen. I don't know....hopefully it'll go away soon....very soon.

Next thing, so Tiffany was at my house till 10 waiting for Nathan to pick her up and we were just looking at our Genesis picture that was taken ages ago and we were reflecting about how much people have changed and how much we've all grown, both psychically and spiritually and it made me really sad knowing that we'll all be going to college soon and leave. Yeah too many memories rushing back.

Then I was reflecting on myself and how my senior year is going...to be honest I know I could do better I just don't know why I'm not pushing myself hard enough. I feel as though I'm going to be the failure in the family because my grades aren't as good as they can be. They are not 4.0s anymore and nowhere comparable to the grades of fellow classmates and my sister. Ahh I just hate myself, hate always being compared to and not living up the standards that I've set for myself and the standards that are expected of me. Not only do I want to please my parents but I want to make them proud of me. I want them to say that yes this is my daughter, she doesn't get 4.0s but she is a great daughter and we love her.
Honestly its not nice to have arrogant people surrounding you and making you feel bad about how you do in school. I disapprove of people flaunting around their GPAs and making others feel bad. Why do I have this feeling that I'm never going to be good enough....

So, it feels kind of weird having so much time on my hands yet at the same time I know that I should be doing hw within all that "free" time. I guess it just frees up a lot of space in my head so I tend to think about useless stuff and daydream which is good to a certain extent. Sometimes I do wonder if you're ever going to look at me the same or think about me the same way that you use to. I'm writing this in hopes that you're not reading it but I don't know, maybe you are... Anyways I suppose that I should just really trust God on this one.

So today, I finished rewriting my Psych notes and haven't touched my Psych book nor have I started on American Democracy which is totally bad!!! I went grocery shopping today for things for Amy's birthday and more baking ingredients. Then I went home and tried to wrap some presents before heading out to my friend, Jennifer's house to hang out and celebrate her birthday. I played Guitar Hero for the first time and it was fun. Then Jaime kindly drove me home with my sister. So yeah that was pretty much my day.

Schedule for the rest of break:

12/20 - Ice Skating (if its not raining)
12/21 - Amy's B-Day (Hw on the side)
12/22 - Snow Fest and Jennifer's official Birthday
12/23 - Christmas Sunday (body worship) Lee Hom Concert
12/24 - Christmas Eve
12/25 - CHRISTMAS , VCBC
12/26 - Special Hang out time

and that's it for now.

I wish I could tell you and I wish that I knew so I can decide whether or not I want to give up just yet. ahhh I have to stop thinking about this until I know for sure...

Hmm wow I haven't written anything in here for the longest time. I guess to sum up everything that has happened in the last few months in a few paragraphs is hard but I guess I could try. To be honest, there's been many things that have happened, some good others bad but all part of life. There are some that shall remain a secret and some that are too wonderful to keep to myself. I'm just glad that God has watched over me these past few months and for so long. It's just really amazing that he's done so much for me and yet it's so easy to get caught up in life that I do forget about it.
So anyways I guess I could start talking about work. I started working like mid-July and then I quit during mid-November due to personal reasons but it was a fun experience. I miss having that pay check now but it has taught me a lot about working with others and just being in a workplace and trying to balance out work and school. I met a lot of interesting people and made new friends so it was great.
Then since it is my senior year, I finished college apps!!, attended senior boat with Jeffrey Lui (who asked me in the cutest way possible), and went to Winterball which I think was one of the better dances I've been to. Speaking of Winterball, this experience was interesting because I did a lot of firsts, such as taking public transportation to the venue and back home which was quite an adventure : ) It was all fun and relaxing after a long week of finals and school in general.

Hmm then over Winterbreak my plans are pretty simple and hopefully I can do all the things that I plan to do:
12/18 Body Worship
12/19 Maranatha Beach Bonfire or Party @ Jen's Place(if it rains)
12/20 Maybe volunteer at the Asian Art Museum
12/21 Amy's Birthday - Movie @ Metreon
12/22 SnowFest @ CUMC
12/23 Church Special Service - Body Worship - Then @ Night Lee Hom Concert!!
12/24 Christmas Eve - not sure yet
12/25 Christmas Family and then to Visitation Valley Baptist Church


that's all I have for now and probably somewhere in between all that I'll get homework done. I havea debate to prepare for and two psychology outlines to complete as well as an extra cedit thing for Psych but that's pretty easy.

soy milk : )

here's my senior pic by the way ( tell me if you want one )