AM I?

I see people holding each other
hold hands and cherishing the moment
the moment that I believe I'll never see
But am I jeolous?
Of course not
Why would I care?
But then again I see them close together
together like pedals on a rose
a red rose that stands for love
Am I looking for that?
no! Why would I want to?
I see it again everywhere
people together
and I act like i don't care
but you see why would I spend time
telling you if i didn't care
and I didn't want to be loved....
then I ask myself...
AM I in love and just avoiding it?
because the other person just isn't feeling it
Should I even worry about it?
Am I in a gigantic hole that I shouldn't be in?
But I guess it's all okay
because even though I know I am
I always know that there's a way out

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life.......

from Welcome to My Life by Simple Plan

Although I know that there's always someone to help me in my times of need. It's just how can someone say something and then they turn their back on it. You know like how you say you'll do something but then you don't do it.... I thought I had gotten over it....I guess I haven't I don't know why I spend my nights just crying and wondering why did it have to happen to me. The other person is doing just fine I mean from what I've read about what they have done...it seems that they are happy and going on with life whereas I'm so sad..... I talked it out with a good friend and she really helped but I don't get it why is it still in me then. I'm just lying to myself or am I really trying to get over it. I have no school today. I was going to go run in the morning but my mom wouldn't let me. It's a tiny bit sunny. Everything leads me to thinking about something. How can you forget something when it's something that you love. Ugh it's so hard, especially if you cannot forget but you know that the other person has. I don't even know if I want to....most of the time I don't want to....I just want the all the hurt and pain to go away......

Well I haven't blogged in here for a long time. Sorry if you have to read the same entries over and over again. But anyways hmm It's really early in the morning and well today I have a special schedule so i start school at 9:20 but I have a bio test today and for this chapter I don't think i really learned anything. Been listening to a lot of music and it's really comforting I guess to take my mind off some other things. I always feel like doing stuff just to take my mind off of stuff...like baking or i don't know practicing a dance even though i know how silly it may be. But the one thing that I don't do now is write. My writing has gone so bad....It's just not the same anymore and I don't really know why it isn't but it's not a good thing. Anyways school ends at a later time for me today and well I have orchestra rehersals today right after i get home. Hope I won't have any homework. For Maranatha and everyone who's going on the snow trip I hope that you'll all keep safe and warm and have lots of fun! maybe I can go next year....
There's this one poem i've been wanted to write but I haven't got to get all my ideas out and everytime i get a new sentence I seem to forget it once I say it and I don't write it down. SO then it goes to waste but oh well. It takes time. I can't believe it's been raining so much lately ...I mean I like the rain, it kind of washes away everything but it's not good for me especially if you have to take public transportation and everybody is wet and it starts to smell. But oh well...the rain is fun. I wanted to put a new song here but I'm just trying to find a way. I haven't gotten my report card and I really really want it . I don't really need to know my grades but it would nice if I did. Oh i didn't mention that in my dance class, we are doing a dance from Grease, the movie, with John Travolta and it's the dance with the song Grease Lightin. There's a car and the dance is all guys but it's just so silly and you can be fun with it. The performance is in May i believe in so I'm really looking forward to that, but we have a lot time before we get there. Hmm i should get ready for school. So bye bye

So today I went to visit another church to listen to a sermon given by a friend whom I haven't seen for a long long time. So it was great to seem him and some other people whom I haven't seen for a long long time. Anyways today was very relaxing nothing much going on and got help out Tiffany's friend, not sure if I helped out or not but it's nice to know another friend. I bought some baby goldfish...they are cute and it seems like you have more than there is yet there is still the same amount. Hmm I'm reading A Tree Grows in Brooklyn right now by Betty Smith and it's a pretty good book. By the way The Notebook, the movie, came on this past week and I really really want it. I also love the cover picture, it's like the perfect movie for Valentine's Day if you happen to have someone to spend it with. SO yeah it is Valentine's Day tomorrow hope you people out there have someone special to spend it with and yeah.... Well that's it nothing else.
Bye Bye

I really can't sleep and I don't know why but I really should go see a doctor now, I guess I though I would feel better but now that I'm not any better I might decide to go if it doesn't disappear, it's just I'm a bit afraid of going to the doctors....